It was never your fault

The first thing I want to say is that it was never your fault. I think you must have wondered why I did what I did. Maybe it resulted in some loss of confidence in yourself ? Gave raise to some doubts ? If it is the case, just forget those doubts. Easier said than done but there should be no doubt here: It was MY fault.

If I was asked about you, to describe your flaws, to describe the things I don't like about you. What would my answer be ?

There would be no answer. For the simple reason that I would have nothing to say. I am not saying you are perfect. No-one is. But you are perfect to my eyes, and it is good enough for me. Your flaws, your drawbacks, they are part of you. And I like them the same way as I like you. They are the imprefcetions that make you perfect. You are beautiful, outside of course, but more importantly inside, and it is all that matters to me.

Sometimes we take personnaly some things that were never about us. Please don't take it personnally. I know that I was the issue. Me. Not you. It never was your fault. You need to remember it. Never doubt it. You are the best person I ever met. Still having some doubts ? Read this again.

It hurt me more than you

Don't think that cheating on you made me happy. It as the biggest mistake of my life. And I am 31, so I am kind of old, and my life has been kind of long already.

It has been torturing me since it happened. And if I am creating this website now, it means that it still does. I betrayed the most important person in my life. It was and it still is you. I know that it is something I will never be able to forgive myself about. I just can't. And I don't want to forgive myself. I think some things cannot be forgiven. I can try to live with it, to accept that it happened, because what happened happened and I cannot travel in time to fix this terrible mistake. But recognizing that it happened won't make the pain go away. Because it still happened and I will never forget, or forgive myself.

I disappointed myself. I always thought that I was better than this. When I heard stories about cheating, I always thought that some people were disgusting. I always considered that I was different and that it would never happen to me. In a way, I was better. It shattered what I believed I was. It shattered the identity I built myself upon.

But do you know what is harder than losing me ? It is is losing you. Hurting you. You never deserved this to happen to you. No one deserves it actually. I was supposed to protect you. To be by your side. To help you in those difficult moments. To make you happy. I love you and I just want you to live your best life (and to be part of it). Yet I just achieved the opposite. Now you see me as one of these guys. Those guys I never wanted to be part of. Those guys who disappoint. Who disrespect and wreak havoc atound them. I am one of those who betrayed you. Unexpectedly. I feel so sorry for what I put you through. It hurts me more than anything. The pain is not going away. I feel so desperate now. By betraying you, I also betrayed myself. And by betraying myself, I betrayed you. It works both ways. I never wished something like that to happen. I failed at my responsibilites towards you. Towards us. It is something I will never forget.

What eberybody keeps telling me

The face of my friends when I told them what I did. Yes, I can feel the judgement. The first reaction never lies. Then, usually at some point in the conversation, there is always a "It will teach you a good lesson."

Believe me, there are certain lessons you wished you never took. Because they just hurt you too much. Because you should not have needed a lesson in the first place.

There are many things we are unsure about. Maybe tomorrow I will die crushed by an asteroid. (I hope not, I would like to finish this website before I do). There are lots of things we cannot control in our lives. Health, job situations, other people, nature... What I am saying is that life is fragile. It is uncertain. We never know what might happen tomorrow, or in one minute, or in one year. It also makes life beautiful. Cruel at times. But it also shows that we are alive. That we are not following the pre-established script of a bad TV show for which you already know the end.

I cannot be sure of anything. But I do feel sure about one thing, and it is probably be the only thing I can be sure about: I will never do it again. The pain is too real. Incisive. The consequences are too big.

It is the only thing I can be absolutely certain about. By enduring this pain, by betraying you, by betraying myself, by hurting you, by hurting me, I know that I will never do it again. It has become a trauma. I never want to live this again. Before, I thought that my values, my personality, would protect me from it. Now, I learned the hard way that sometimes, our values are not enough. Experiencing something is more powerful than any ideas we might have of it. The trauma has become my vaccine. And if I had to be positive minded for a minute, it is a good thing I received this vaccine.

What I hate, is that it happened when I was with you Ana. The magnitude of what I lost is not worth the lesson I learned. I am more certain than ever that something like that will never happen again, because I just can't. But I broke my heart learning this. I lost you. It is a costly lesson. I miss you every day. I am sorry Ana.