Post Scriptum

Or Post Summer

PS: It is september now. Summer is coming to an end; The end of a cycle, the end of another season. The start of something else. The world keeps chnaging around me. And I feel that I am standing still. Not moving. Not going anywhere. The days are shortening, the temepratures are starting to drop, people around me are making new projects, and I am still. Motionless. As if I stopped advancing while the world spins, undisturbed in the background. It is as if I didn't belong to this world anymore. I feel disconnected. I am no longer carried by the movement. For me, the summer season was quite busy. I had to go to Hong Kong for some job assessments. And I had to study for my command upgrade. All these things kept me busy, studying. I had little time to see my friends or enjoy the nice weather. Cannot say that I enjoyed this summer. It was probably one of the worst I had. In fact, it was the worst. Of course I went out. Went to some festivals. Open Airs. Went for drinks. Had lunches. I know way too well that I couldn't have studied 24/7. But every time, studying or not, I felt a bit disconnected. My mind was somewhere else. If I could describe my mind with a geographic location, it would be in Aveiro. Wherever my body was, regardless of if I was studying or enjoying a music festival, the face I was seeing in front of me was yours, Ana. Didn't matter if I was with friends, family or alone. You were still there all the time. You never left my mind.

Where are you? What are you doing? What are you thinking? Are you happy? What are your projects?

After what happened between us, after what I did, my biggest wish was to have a machine to go back in time. Cancel all that happened. Make it right again. Today, I think a lot of it has roots in my tendency to overthink. Why was I thinking that you were too good for me? Why was I thinking on your behalf about the risks associated to moving together to a new base, when clearly you can take care of yourself just fine? You never needed me, and I should have just been grateful to be with you. Period. Just enjoy the moment. Don't ruin it. And I ruined it big time. So yes, my biggest wish would be to be able to go back in time before it was too late. Save us. It didn't require much, in fact it was all very easy to sort. All I had to do was to stop overthinking and none of this would have happened. Right now, instead of writing these lines that you most likely will never read, we could be making projects together. Projects for the coming autumn, winter, next summer... Projecting into the future. Instead, I am just watching the time passing by, with my mind in Aveiro and my heart full of sorrow.

Ana...

Today, what I want more than a machine to go back in time, is a device that would allow you to explore my mind. For you to understand. Because words can never express the truth accurately. There is always something to express that can't be said with words. Regardless of how hard you try, the essence of your thought always seems to get lost. At least some of it never makes it to its recipient. I feel like I was unable to talk to you. It is not that I didn't try. Sending messages, some more obvious than others. This very website is another manifestation. But it doesn't matter how long I spend on this website, or how often I update it: I will always be unable to describe this feeling of guilt. The disappointment in myself. This feeling of betrayal. This open wound that won't close. And for me, it would be important to be able to express these things to you. Because they matter to me, and because they concern you, or used to concern you.

Ana...

You trusted me. You believed in us. You were full of all the best things that an human being can give. As if your mind was completely pure. Despite the fact that you went through a lot of difficulties in your past life, you still managed to move on. You didn't let what happened ternish you. Your mind was so strong, to trust me, despite your past. There is something really beautiful about your faith. The way you keep moving forward. The confidence. The trust. You are really full of love Ana and it makes you stand apart in this world. Your love is what protects you from all these agressions life can throw at us. Your faith keeps you moving forward. Of course, it doesn't mean nothing will affect you. We all are humans after all. We all have our fears, we can all get hurt. And to receive your trust also comes with a huge responsibility. The responsibility to protect you. From these things that certain persons do, that will harm those closest to them, when they expect it the least.

Ana...

I know that I hurt you. I betrayed you when I had your trust. I did something that even myself thought impossible. I have always considered that I was someone loyal. I never thought that I could cheat one day, as it goes against my own principles. It goes against who I am. And I was proud to be like that. To have those principles. To be trustworthy, and loyal to my friends. I think it is an important value, and I always considered that it was part of me. And I think most of my friends would agree with that. When I told them about what happened between us, I can say that they were all very surprised. So I believed that you were safe with me. Because harming you the way I did was never part of my nature. I was never afraid to hurt you like that, because as far as I was concerned, it was just impossible. It was something someone else could have done, but not me. And I was confident about that.

And yet, despite what I always took for granted, despite what I had always believed, I hurt you. You, the person the closest to me. The consequences for me are immense, as it raises a lot of questions about my own identity. How I represent myself now that I did what I thought I would never do. But I don't want to talk about me. I want to talk about you Ana. I know that you didn't have the highest opinion of men before we met. And I was certain I could change that. You trusted me. And I was sure I could be trustworthy. You decided to believe in us. And I was convinced it was the best thing we could hope for the both of us. I was full of hope, I was confident in us. I was really happy you know? And now? I feel guilty. For bringing you harm. Harm you never deserved. Ana, I want to make sure that you are okay. I want to make sure that you will keep moving on. I want to make sure that I didn't break you. Because you are so important to me. You cannot imagine the time I spend thinking about you every day. And when I sleep I dream of you. Actually I could create a page on this website just for my dreams, they are ridiculous as fuck but dreams are always a bit weird anyway. You are in them, wether you like it or not. I want to make sure that you are happy Ana. I want you to feel safe. I know that in the context that was yours when you left Bordeaux, going to Portugal was the right call. Of course I wished you didn't go. Of course I wished I could fix things from here. But it was the right call nonetheless. I hope you are happy now. And I hope you don't doubt yourself. Because it would be absolutely stupid to doubt yourself. You are the greatest person I ever met and just writing this line makes me want to cry. Becuse I miss you so much. You have no idea what you are worth Ana. No idea. And it is better you don't know. Because you are beautiful in your simplicity. I don't want you to doubt men either. I know that trust is still a value. I know that there are still some people who are loyal out there. I wasn't the example I thought I was, but don't generalize my failure. It never does any good. Everyone is different, you know it. There are bad apples out there, but there are also good ones. I know that appearances can be deceiving, and maybe it is the most difficult part, to trust someone when you don't know if you actually can. But don't stop believing in yourself, and don't stop believing in others too. I am so disappointed of myself for failing you. I want to make sure that it didn't affect you as much as it is affecting me. I want you fully happy and fully healed from those wounds. You are beautiful and you must stay this way.

Ana...

If only I could get the chance to solve this. I am responsible for what happened, and so I should be responsible for fixing it too. But I know that you don't want my involvment anymore. If you ever changed your mind, you know I would be happy to answer that call.
I don't expect the months to come to be more joyful than my summer. I still feel lost, and keep missing you more than I have ever missed anybody. It is probably what I deserve even if I have trouble accepting the idea of letting you go. Take care of you Ana, I love you.